2017, I’ve been Dreading You

Hello, 2017. You have finally arrived and it hasn’t been that bad so far. But you have been taunting me as each day of 2016 passed. You know I’ve been dreading you and here you are.

But why have I been dreading 2017? It’s silly but this is the year that I turn the big three-Oh! The new year is a reminder of that, even if my birthday isn’t until August! ?

Every summer is filled with mixed feelings of not wanting summer to pass too quickly but also anticipating my upcoming birthday.

Perhaps turning 30 wasn’t a big deal for you but for me, it is. I know it is pointless but I can’t help it. This significant birthday is a reminder that my life is not what I thought it would be when I turned 30, particularly regarding my family and having as many children that God blesses us with in tow – at least three babies by now.

This part of my life is totally out of my control. I used to think that children would be a guarantee. That it wasn’t a matter of if we would have children but when. Many people still think like that and for them my grief is puzzling.

Despite that, God has called me to walk a different path. This journey of life has taught me that not everyone fits into a “cookie cutter life” – having it all, the American dream – the perfect spouse, the house, the kids, the car etc.

But who lives a “cookie-cutter life”?!? No one but it doesn’t really exist but the pressure to achieve such a life does. Ridiculous, right?

It’s absolutely maddening.

I know all this, yet I still struggle with my upcoming birthday. It shows another year has passed that my arms remain empty. Really, any significant date reminds me of this, whether it is Christmas or a birthday.

Yet through all the madness, I know I need to trust that God. Trust that He is working in my heart in a different way than He is working in yours. Than He is even working in Rex’s life.

I need to trust in that. I need to trust God.

My pastor had an incredible homily on January 1, the Solemnity of the Mother of God, that has been on my mind since the new year. He boldly declared 2017 the Year of Trust for our parish. Since grief has profoundly entered my life, I have struggled to trust.

So 2017, you have arrived. I don’t know what lies ahead – what joys, sorrows, celebrations or heartbreaks you’ll bring but I will continue to put my trust in God. I encourage you to consider making 2017 a Year of Trust for you too.

Praying for you,


Here I am Lord, I am come to do Your Will

Psalm 40

6 thoughts on “2017, I’ve been Dreading You

  1. Jennifer McCauley

    Love you Rex and Rachel! I turn 50 this year! John and I celebrate our 25th anniversary as well in June so it is a big year for us too. ❤️I can relate to having plans and being in a different place than I imagined I would be…you are in my prayers as we help each other to trust Jesus with our whole hearts…our whole lives. Thank you for your post and witness dear sister.

    1. R&R Post author

      Love you so much, Jen! You have a big year ahead too! Praying for you and your beautiful family. Thank you for all your love, support and encouragement!

  2. Katrina Lewis

    What an exciting year and yet I can completely understand this milestone and the unfulfilled dreams it represents on Earth. With the eyes of Eternity, however, you have 8 gorgeous babies already…before you even turned 30!!! And you have those precious and perfect babies for forever because you and Rex have walked in faith and TRUST…even though doing so has left you hesitant to trust more. It is one of those difficult nuances of grief…that blend of joy and agony that rips the rug out from under your feet and turns your world upside down. But, through it all, your trusting “Yes” to God’s plans for your family reminds me of Mary’s “Yes” that forever changed the world.

    Praying that God continues to work through you in the powerful ways He does and praying that His blessings for you will also include children you can hold and nurture on Earth before you get to spend eternity with all of yours in Heaven, too!

    1. R&R Post author

      Thank you for your kind words and reminder to have eyes of Eternity. Your prayers are appreciated and know your family is in ours prayers too.

  3. Nancy Buthorn

    Oh darling I get it. Total total trust. It isn’t easy! Please pray for me that I too will trust…. Pure and simple. In AZ right now but this spring when I get home would love to talk with you. You are such an inspiration to so many, even those of us twice your age!!!! I promise to pray for peace and comfort and trust for you and Rex. God bless!

    1. Rachel Post author

      Thank you so much for your prayers. Will definitely hold you in prayer too. Let’s definitely connect when you’re back in town. I look forward to it.


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